In love and living with ADHD? Here’s how to keep your relationship strong
When adult ADHD is part of the equation in a romantic relationship, it can bring unique challenges and frustrations. Thankfully, there is hope and help available.
Every Friday night, Kate Page and her husband Jamie sit down to talk about what has – and hasn’t – gone well that week.
It is something they started after Melbourne’s Covid lockdowns, when being together 24/7 meant no place to hide from being open and honest.
“Until then, Jamie was a bit of a knight in shining armour,” Kate says.
“I’d phone him, frantic because I’d forgotten something, and he’d somehow pull it together; he had to operate as my safety net because we’d stopped communicating about what was going on.”
Now 36, Kate was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) when she was 19, not long before she met Jamie.
A few months into their relationship, she shared her diagnosis.
“Jamie took time to understand what ADHD is, how it presents and why I do certain things, but it also took a really long time for me to open up to him about my struggles,” Kate says.
“I think a big issue with ADHD is, even once you’re diagnosed and understand your brain operates differently, embracing who you are as a person is difficult because there’s so much guilt attached to it.”
What is ADHD like in adults?
About one in 20 Australians has ADHD, a developmental disorder that affects the brain’s ability to self-regulate and control thoughts, actions and emotions.
ADHD is usually first diagnosed in childhood and, for the vast majority of people, remains throughout adulthood.
Sydney-based ADHD coach and consultant Liz Welshman says that by the time someone with ADHD reaches adulthood, they’ve usually had a lifetime of feeling like they’re doing the wrong thing.
“Whether it’s dropping the ball, making mistakes and feeling culpable when things go wrong, adults with ADHD are used to being constantly corrected, so they often have very low self-esteem and a lot of shame – and shame can be the death knell for any relationship,” Liz says.
ADHD in love relationships
Melbourne-based relationship counsellor Tess Reilly-Browne, who specialises in helping couples where ADHD is present, believes undiagnosed ADHD in adults is most commonly recognised thanks to the impact it has on relationships.
“The areas most affected by ADHD are the brain’s executive function and emotional regulation,” Tess says.
“With executive function, that tends to create practicality problems in a relationship, whether it’s organisational skills that get messed around or issues with impulse control or working memory, so that things just get forgotten, and that’s where trust can become badly breached in a relationship.
“And then, with emotional dysregulation, not only can emotions go from zero to 100 really quickly, people with ADHD often have something called rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) too – the lack of dopamine in the brain means they feel even the tiniest bit of criticism, becoming overwhelmed really quickly.”
The other side of the story
An ADHD diagnosis can be tough on the partner who doesn’t have it too, Liz says.
“It can be really confusing to watch their partner repeat the same behaviours over and over, especially when they’ve had conversations about it,” Liz says.
And then there’s the extra mental load a partner carries.
“I see a lot of burnout in partners of people with ADHD,” Tess says.
“They’re either exhausted or they’re angry and resentful that they’ve been left with all the boring workload of the relationship.”
How an ADHD diagnosis can help
In some instances, ADHD is not diagnosed until the person is an adult.
Tess says once received, a diagnosis can provide a lens that a couple can start looking at their relationship through, “hopefully, taking the blame and shame out of it.”
Liz says after a diagnosis, the next best thing people can do is learn about their ADHD and how to work with it more effectively.
“Medication is often a piece of that puzzle, but it’s (ADHD is) also about managing the symptoms and the ways it’s showing up in their life and their relationship,” Liz says.
She adds it’s also important for the person with ADHD, as well as their partner, to learn how to advocate for themselves and ask for help.
It’s here that seeking professional support can help.
“We often have to undo some of the trauma that ADHD has accidentally created for both people in the relationship,” Tess says.
Start talking about ADHD
Kate says as well as putting some practical strategies in place, the thing that’s helped her and Jamie the most is that regular Friday night chat.
“My advice? Start talking,” Kate says.
“The sooner you learn to speak up about who you are in (your) relationship, the more likely you’ll be able to embrace who you are outside of the relationship too.
“So, own the struggles because they can start a conversation that leads to some really positive changes for you and your partner.”
For more information on ADHD or to find help, visit the ADHD Foundation and ADHD Support Australia.
Read more on love relationships:
- Relationships conflict: Why healthy couples fight
- 5 ways to become a better romantic partner
- Why couples don’t have to share bank accounts
- 3 steps to avoid sabotaging your relationship
Written by Karen Fittall.
