How to stop rejection from stinging so much

Whether it’s missing out on a job, a party invite, or simply not getting ‘likes’ on social media, rejection is part of life. Here’s how to stop it packing a punch.

If you’ve ever felt hurt by rejection in some shape or form, you’re in good company.

“We all have our own experience of feeling rejected at some point, so it’s something we can all empathise with,” Dr Kelsey Zimmermann, a researcher at UNSW’s School of Psychology, says. 

In fact, in many ways, the opportunity for rejection has never been more present in our daily lives.

“With our phones, we can experience rejection any time of the day or night,” Dr Zimmermann says.

“Anytime we post something on social media, people have the chance to reject us so overtly. 

“Even the absence of feedback can be perceived as rejection.” 

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Why rejection is such a painful experience

Rejection affects us all differently, but research shows that, as well as bumping up the risk of depression and the likelihood of turning to alcohol for comfort, when it’s intense, social rejection can even “hurt” in the same way that physical pain does. 

“Because of how much of our brains are devoted to social interaction, it can be a pretty profound experience to be socially rejected, so we want to avoid it,” Dr Zimmermann says. 

“In fact, social rejection causes the same activation in brain regions associated with processing physical pain.”

It’s also worth noting that some rejection experiences are more significant than others, with Dr Zimmermann highlighting rejection from a parent when we’re young and social rejection during adolescence as being particularly formative and capable of having long-lasting impacts. 

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How to take the sting out of rejection

While being afraid of rejection – thanks either to learned experiences or due to the innate fear of it that we all have to some degree – can hold us back, it’s possible to learn to deal with rejection better. 

This handful of strategies can help.  

1: Acknowledge that it’s inevitable. 

“Take comfort in the fact that nobody lives a rejection-free life,” Dr Zimmermann says.

2: Avoid making it unnecessarily personal. 

“There are many instances where it’s not about you as a person,” Dr Zimmermann says. 

“It’s about simply not being the right fit for a friendship, a relationship or a job. 

“The key is to take a step back from the immediate pain and discomfort and consider reframing the situation.”

3: Know that it’s not always a negative. 

For starters, it can be a learning experience. 

“If it’s something about our behaviour – we’re acting in an anti-social or disrespectful way – then the rejection can be a chance for us to think about what we can work on and how we might modify that,” Dr Zimmermann says. 

Research has also linked experiencing social rejection to inspiring imaginative thinking and honing the ability to tune into and manage other people’s emotions.

A new study shows it can even drive us to take precautions designed to safeguard against disease, more seriously. 

Using the pandemic as a test case, researchers found that people who believed they weren’t vulnerable to catching Covid so weren’t motivated to follow health advice to stay safe, changed when they experienced social rejection. 

The study’s lead author, Dr Sandra Murray from the University of Buffalo explained that concerns about social connection and concerns about disease can reinforce one another. 

“When social interactions are more painful, it is a warning that motivates people who don’t normally worry about diseases to take greater steps to protect themselves,” Dr Murray says. 

“When you’re really concerned about social connection, it can make you take the disease threat that others pose to you more seriously.” 

4: Seek support. 

Dr Zimmermann says this is vital. 

“Dealing with rejection in any part of your life is much easier if you have social support and come from a place of security – which can be a lot easier said than done. 

“If you don’t have a secure family attachment or a supportive friend group, rejection can be challenging to deal with on your own. 

“So that’s where a therapist can help get to the root of your relationships with rejection.” 

5: Make and take chances to practice. 

“If you can, put yourself out there a little more and more,” Dr Zimmermann says. 

“And let that repeated experience take the sting out of it a bit.” 

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Written by Karen Fittall.