Why ‘fexting’ could be harming your relationship
Many of us fight over text with our partners – and while there may be upsides to fexting, there are also good reasons to stop doing it.
It famously seems to work for US President Joe Biden and his wife, Jill.
The First Lady has told Harper’s Bazaar that she and the president had used “fexting” – fighting over text messages – to keep their private issues away from Secret Service agents.
With 87 per cent of Australians predicted to be using a smartphone by 2026, there’s every chance you’ve fexted, too.
But is it ever a good idea to fext?
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Why do people fext?
Experts say nothing beats a face-to-face conversation to really get to the heart of relationship issues. But sometimes that’s not always possible.
And texting and fexting can make it easier to air grievances without feeling pressured or triggered by the thought of potential conflict.
Love coach and psychotherapist Angela Barrett says communicating digitally can help people feel brave and more likely to engage to find a resolution.
“Texting is a great, easy way to communicate positive messages and emotions, and it’s an easy way to communicate displeasure, to make a point, to end an argument or start one – for better and for worse,” Angela, of Relationship Insight, says.
But she sounds a cautionary note.
“Being more brave can also have negative consequences – as communicating through a shield can make you far less aware of the other person’s response and considerate of the impact your communication has on them,” she says.
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What are the pitfalls of fexting?
It’s important to understand that fexting can come across the wrong way.
Pitfalls to be aware of include:
- Being insensitive.
- Being abrupt or blunt, forgetting you are dealing with a human being with feelings.
- Sending a long-winded diatribe and expecting it to solve something or generate understanding.
- Sending a long-winded message and expecting a positive response.
- Communicating important matters by text and not following up with an in-person conversation or touching base about it when you are face to face.
What are the positives of fexting?
Angela says there are positives to communicating difficult things by text if it is done well and thoughtfully.
“A thoughtfully crafted, well-worded and respectful text can be amazing to receive and can bring clarity, connection or closure to a situation,” she says.
People who feel more anxious in relationships might also find there are upsides to fexting.
“If you can restrain what you would say in person and gather yourself, calm your anxiety and send a response when you have calmed down (when you are not triggered), this can benefit the relationship,” Angela says.
Relationship expert Samantha Jayne says fexting could be beneficial if both parties struggle with opening up.
“People who are analytical are better at texting,” Samantha says.
“They seem to process thoughts and emotions through text and like to see the words written.
“It is also beneficial if your partner is an angry or insecure person.
“Texting is a space for reassurance and can allow the argument to deescalate prior to speaking in person.”
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So, should you fext or not?
While fighting over digital media may have some benefits, the general consensus is that it can cause an emotional disconnect between partners.
Samantha says vital, non-verbal cues can be missed.
“When you fext, you lose your senses of sound and you miss the intimacy that you get from eye contact,” she says.
“Taking a breath and connecting with eye contact can diffuse arguments.”
She adds touch, such as giving each other a hug, can also “help get the argument over and done with”.
Good ways to communicate face to face
It’s safe to say no one likes confrontation.
And there are plenty of non-confrontational ways to discuss potentially sensitive relationship issues with your partner in-person.
Samantha suggests trying these tactics:
- Before speaking, practise mindfulness so you are in a space of relaxation.
- Try to avoid extreme emotions.
- Focus on the solution rather than the problem.
- Put things into perspective and focus on a win-win outcome.
- Understand that sometimes not everything goes your way and try to find a middle ground.
Written by Andrea Beattie.
