WELLBEING

How to find closure and move on after difficult times

4 March, 2024 . 0

Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we’d planned and things come to an end. But do we really need to find closure to move on? And what is closure, anyway?

Even if you’ve never been on the receiving end of the classic Seinfeld break-up line, “It’s not you, it’s me”, chances are you’ve had your heart broken at some point in your life.

Be it a break-up, losing someone you love, or a life transition, heartbreak is a fundamental part of being human.

The flaw is, we often don’t know how to fix it.

It’s common to feel the need to wrap these life changes up in a neat little package, clearly labelled with the reason things didn’t work out, and to seek closure.

But is the idea of closure just a flimsy bandaid for life’s mishaps, or is it a helpful way to move on?

What is closure, anyway?

Psychologist Nahum Kozak says the term “closure” is often used when someone is seeking a sense of relief or completion after a challenging situation, such as a break-up.

“The idea is to tie up loose ends and to bring an unpleasant time, experience or problem to an end so that you can go on with other pursuits in life,” Nahum, of Lighthouse Relationships in Brisbane, explains.

Is a sense of closure necessary to move on?

That would depend on the kind of closure you’re seeking, Nahum says.

He says there are three kinds of closure he commonly sees as a relationship-focused psychologist: revenge closure, avoidance closure and growth closure.

The first two, he says, can provide temporary relief but can also be problematic.

“We don’t usually feel better for the long term after trying to settle a score, and we end up creating even more hurt,” Nahum explains.

Likewise, avoidance closure sees us plaster a smile on our face – a bandaid for the interim – while avoiding any raw feelings inside.

“It is either temporary or, if permanent, can be problematic,” Nahum says.

But growth closure, as the name suggests, is an opportunity to grow in the midst of pain so we can move on, he says.

“Growth closure – accepting something has happened and learning from the experience – is not guaranteed to remove pain and negative emotions,” Nahum explains.

“Instead, we can feel the pain when it comes up, and know it will pass like a wave on the ocean.”

How to get closure when you don’t get a say

Holistic counsellor Amy Doyle agrees, saying true closure comes from within and is more about riding the wave of grief and processing your emotions, learning and understanding yourself, than reaching some kind of finality.

This will look different for everybody, but Amy suggests finding creative ways to express the pain, the hurt and the anger; surrendering to your emotions to find peace; and creating self-care rituals that support you and your feelings.

It’s also about reconnecting with yourself, your needs, values and desires, and giving room for all of it.

“On the good days, it’s writing yourself a note to get through the bad days, finding presence in the moment through sensory activities and mindfulness, (and) cultivating inner strength so you can be curious without destabilising yourself,” Amy says.

Amy also suggests turning to a trusted friend to talk things through, or seeking professional help where you’ll have access to helpful feedback and resources.

More on break-ups, loss and moving on:

Written by Sarah Vercoe.